Some future grooms say early on, “Just tell me when to show up and what to wear and leave me alone” and he leaves the work of the wedding to the bride. This is not as typical now as it was in past years. More and more men are getting involved in and enjoying the process of planning their wedding. Some men still think that it is a “girl thing” and not a “guy thing.” Give me a break! A wedding is a “couple thing” and should have equal participation of both the bride and groom.
Approaching your wedding as a twosome can give you the best results in less time. It is also a fairly good predictor of how the marriage will be. It answers many questions that will be important to the marriage, questions such as:
Who makes the decisions? Are they joint decisions or does one of you always have to have his or her way? Is one of you always right? (This implies that the other is always wrong). Does one of you usually have to agree just to get beyond the impasse and get on with it? Is one of you “The Boss” and the other the “Bossed?” Does that work for you?
Are your management styles compatible? Does one of you micro-manage and one of you use a broad brush approach and does that work for you? Sometimes this is highly effective because the broad brusher generates the creative ideas and the micro-manager can work out the details. It takes both. On the other hand a broad brusher can drive the micro-manager crazy and vice versa.
Are you willing to yield to the expertise of the other? Can you divide up the workload evenly and not second guess each other, but trust that it will be done correctly and on time? What do you do when you have a huge disagreement? Do you have a plan to work things out, to negotiate until you find a common ground of agreement? Does one of you hold a grudge if the decision doesn’t always go your way?
How do you handle money? Is one of you “tight-fisted” with money and the other an impulse spender? Can you agree on an amount you can spend independently without consulting the other? What happens if one of you doesn’t abide by the agreed upon amount? How do you resolve the issue?
Do you have similar likes and dislikes? Do you find that you almost always pick the same thing, even though you aren’t together at the time? Do you, for example, generally like the same colors, music, style? If not, do you know and appreciate what the other one likes? Is it o.k. to like different things? If not, does one of you always have to capitulate or do you find ways to work out who gives in now and who gives in later?
If, as you get closer to the wedding date, you find that you are at each others throats and are playing the “blame game” or the “poor me, the martyr” scenario, it’s time to stop and take a good hard look at your relationship. Marriage is made up of multitudinous compromises by each of you. It requires give and take, yes and no, me and you in equal proportions. If the problem is a matter of exhaustion or the “jitters” that’s one thing. But if you simply cannot work together, take some time to think it over, even if it means postponing the wedding. Some pre-nuptial counseling may be of help before you proceed.
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